i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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