my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
