Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
