I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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