i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
