My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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