It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
