My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
