I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
