Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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