Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
