Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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