Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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