Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
