sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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