I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
