Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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