Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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