he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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