I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
