Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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