had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
