I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
