I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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