just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
