Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
