I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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