I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My vagina is officially offended.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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