He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
