Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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