remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
