I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
