you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
