"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
