I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
