Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
