i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
