They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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