meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
