I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
