Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
