Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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