Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
