i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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