Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
did i walk over a car last night?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
