There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
