As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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