Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
