I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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