Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
