He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
