woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
