News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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