He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
