Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
