I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
