Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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