I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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