Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
